In Which I Get Yelled At By My Wii Fit Trainer

You’ve heard those stories of hellish personal trainers putting clients through enough rigor to make them throw up. You’ve heard them yell, scream, punch, and stretch others into oblivion, taking the “no pain, no gain” epithet to an ungodly extreme. The $200 fee for a personal trainer can be assuredly avoided, especially now that the Wii Fit is available to satiate the health conscious gamer girl. A clear choice.

Sure the Wii Fit is a feat in physical fitness for the typical couch potato and I still love it. But last night as I donned my shorts and wifebeater and fired up my Wii, eager to spend a healthy 30 minutes doing hula hoop and jackknives, I was greeted with some unprecedented snark. Completely caught off guard, my face turned red with embarrassment as my asshole of a trainer (who I’ve aptly decided to call James due to his pretentious new rat tail) asked me if I was too busy to work out the previous day. “Oh,” I said out loud, further embarrassed that I just responded vocally to my on-screen trainer. And as if the board didn’t do enough by uttering a painful groan as I stepped on, it had the nerve to tell me that my weight is a “bit different” than the last time I exercised. I was just about to go cry in the bathroom while attempting to throw up my lunch when it asked me what I attributed my weight gain to. It then offered me a list of suggestions like “eat too late”, “eat too much”, and “not enough exercise”, even though like I said before I had already lost 7 lbs.

As a spry 23 year old I would expect at least a DIY “other” section, in which I would put “drink too much”, “not getting laid”, or “my coke dealer got arrested” (kidding.) In any case, I felt humiliated last night. Humiliated by a video game. And it was probably the most moving, emotional, and incredible gaming experience I’ve had since beating FFXII. Kudos, Nintendo. You’re officially the second gaming company to make me cry.

I’m published!

Today marks the first day that my writing has appeared in print. Metromix, to be exact, the lifestyle weekly published by the LA Times. And in this issue I talk write about E3, which is right up my alley, obv. Sure my writing is all over the internets but this time it feels a bit more concrete. Which is rad because I like having my name appear in newsstands across LA. A bit of a milestone for me.

I’m also super stoked because I just got my Dragonball Z import DVD’s. NERD. But seriously I’ve been a fan of the series for over 10 years now and I finally had enough cash to splurge for the whole thing. Playing Burst Limit on my recently purchased PS3 has sorta solidified the deal, and the thought of summoning my chi to let go in a burst of energy just seems kind of erotic. Good week all around, I’d say.

Why is Hentai so cool

So I walked into this anime store today, which reminded me of hentai. I grew up on anime so I like to think i know a thing or 2 about it. DBZ, ninja scroll, you name it. Amidst my unencumbered youth of traveling the then-AOL universe looking for what all the cool J-pop kids were doing of course I stumbled upon the chans…you know like 4 chan and various other image boards with a similar suffix. As a pre-teen/teenage girl who hadn’t developed boobs yet I naturally wasn’t getting that much attention from the boys so I turned to the intranets. And what did I find? Sailor moon being penetrated in every orifice by a tentacle robot. And thus began my infatuation with hentai.

Why do I like it so much? I like porn a lot too like every normal girl should. Is it the color? The perverted innocence? The tentacles? Its gotta be the tentacles. Why do you like it?

This is why I haven’t posted in a while

Yeah its been too long, I know…But I’ve been busy so back off. Wanna see what I’ve been up to?

1. I hang out with rock stars. That’s Katy Perry. But more importantly I had a chance to meet the lead singer of my favorite band, Jesse Hughes aka Boots Electric aka J-Devil from Eagles of Death Metal.

2. I went to NAB in Vegas.

3. I went to Coachella.

4. I met the only woman I would switch sides for, Ms. Sarah Silverman aka my dream girl.

5. I went to Little Radio every Saturday this summer.

6. I dressed like a hipster for a day.

I did a lot more, but posting this has taught my what my good friend and blogmaster Tony Pierce has always said: take as many pictures as possible. So yeah, I promise next time I rock out at the first annual Sunset Strip Music Festival, or dress up for Anime Expo, or get exclusive interview time with music gods, I won’t be a self-centered bitch and I’ll take pictures. <3

I’ve lost 7 lbs. on Wii Fit

So I guess its just that I need the scrutiny of a video game, because for some reason I can’t get enough Wii Fit. Sure my lazy drunk ass needs a bit of tightening every now and then, but usually that exercise comes from the benefits of spending time with a male. But what is it about that sexy albeit albino looking trainer that makes me want to get on all fours and do core strength training? Is it how he says “don’t forget to breathe” and “you’re doing great” that makes me want more? It just goes to show you how video games have changed the landscape of every aspect of at least my life. Because if we were to go to war and had to escape, I thank GTA for my driving skills, COD4 for my shooting skills, and Wii Fit for my endurance. And you never know when you’ll need any of those skills at any given time.

RezHD is my type of game

Any game that combines music and shooting is a game for me. I highly suggest you download it off XBL. If you’re not familiar with the game, its a simple shooter that plays a note or beat every time you hit a target. The game’s entertainment value may is highly emphasized by the use of ecstasy. I mean, what?

Double Entendre

It’s pretty obvious that sex is slowly making more of a presence in games these days, just skirting the boundaries of ESRB nonsense parameters. As a huge fan of the Ratchet & Clank series, (but apparently not huge enough to buy a PS3, oops) it’s quite easy to point out the blatant entendre that is everpresent in the series’ various titles. With names like “Up Your Arsenal”, “Going Commando”, and newcomer DLC “Quest for Booty”, I have a lot of respect for Insomniac. By incorporating harmless innuendo into a largely juvenile series, they’re reaching out to a more mature crowd that understands those jokes. Sure you may have your typical fretful mother that blames such titles for the plight of children, but thats just minutia. Hats off for companies marketing wisely. A majority of us gamers have stuck by the industry our whole lives’; lets harden up a bit, eh?

I NEED THIS

From ThinkGeek:

Behold the Wrath of El Fuerte!

Kotaku has this traffic-driving post of the week revealing a new Street Fighter IV character leak. Finally Mexican wrestling gains some cred in the industry! We already got Blanka reppin’ South America, so its about time that Capcom start reppin’ Central America.

P.S. - Expect coverage of a larger variety of games as opposed to my current coverage of SSBB, Bioshock, and Street Fighter IV, woot.

Bioshock 2 Officially Announced

Take Two games made the unsurprising announcement that there will be a sequel to their 2007 smash hit. 1up.com has the original story goin on, with a choice excerpt stating:

“As had been heavily rumored, BioShock 2 will be developed by the brand-new 2K Marin studio, which was formed by a group of BioShock developers late last year. That means that 2K Boston and presumably BioShock lead brain Ken Levine will not be directly involved in the sequel.”

Sad Face, but awesome nonetheless.